S

Good ole S. Always there when I need him the most. It wasn't always that way. As I said before, we moved in rather quickly after meeting. He always managed to keep us afloat no matter how tight money got. We had a small apartment in a decent part of town. I was drowning in credit card debt from all of my partying and shopping during my year in Bowling Green/Nashville. I paid S $200 a month out of my paycheck to put towards rent, and always kept the fridge stocked with food for us. Things were good until I got restless and hit another stage of mania. I remember being drunk and fighting one night. I started throwing plates and glasses at S. I was out of control Not long after I told S that I wanted to at least have an open relationship because I was young and wanted to explore my sexuality. This totally backfired. S went to therapy, and to not a very good therapist I suppose. The open relationship only lasted a few weeks. I don't think he ever even took advantage of the opportunity. I sure did though. Everything from twinks to BDSM. I tried it all. I was out of control.

S got an opportunity to make more money at a factory managing their computer systems. He left his government job, and began his employment in the private sector. After having the job for only a few months he was let go. We found ourselves in financial ruin. Around this time I also had quit my job at the accounting firm. My boss was constantly reporting home to my mother, and I wanted to be independent. S was a hard worker though. He started working at Pizza Hut making deliveries. This lasted a short while, and he was offered a management position at Wendy's. I knew S was struggling to make ends meet, and what I did next was one move I really regret.

My father owned a townhome here in Lexington. It came up for rent. I was able to get S a job working for my father painting the house. Once it was cleaned up I asked my father if I could move in. He agreed to rent the place to me, and I moved in at once with a very close friend from high school. I left S with all of the bills at the old apartment. Things didn't last long with the roommate, and S moved in shortly after. We lived there for several months....then there was the breakup.

I called S in a fury one day because I couldn't find him and I was convinced he was out cheating on me. When he made it home we got into an explosive fight.He packed his bags as quickly as possible and started loading up his car. I was furious. How could he leave me? Why wasn't this just another fight? I changed the locks on the front door. When he tried to come in the back door he set off the alarm and I came down the stairs with a shotgun. My father came up and mediated the situation and S got the remainder of his belongings out of the house. We didn't talk for several days. When we finally talked I learned that he had moved to Dayton. I remember the first trip I made up there to try and see him.

I drove up to meet some new found friends from Lexington that were going out to the club he was working at in Dayton. I didn't tell him I was coming. He saw me at the club and invited me to stay with him once the night was over. This was the start of several months of me traveling back and forth to try and work things out. I started talking to a Dayton resident online who began trying to hook up with him to see if he could I was plotting and doing everything that came to mind to try and make sure we would end up together. This backfired. He caught on very quickly to my scheme and that was the end of it. We didn't talk for several years afterwards.

How It All Began

This is my first time blogging. I've had this account for a while now, but never took the time to actually write anything. I figure the best way to start this out is by giving you a little background. I was born January 2, 1988 in Lexington, KY. I have wonderful parents who have always encouraged me to be independent and follow my dreams. I grew up in a small town about 30 miles away from Lexington. Most would say I've lived here my entire life. Without going into too many details right off the bat, I was diagnosed as bipolar at a very young age. Don't feel sorry for me. I am just one of many suffering from this disorder. Looking back I realize the dramatic impact this has had on my life. I came out to my family at the age of 16. My father asked to not see it, but he wanted me to be happy. My mother on the other hand flipped out. She sent me to several Christian counselors trying to change me. Nothing worked. I dated a guy while I was in high school who wasn't out. Still isn't. Maybe he's not gay after all. Who knows. His father ended up finding out about us and threatened to kill me if he ever saw me around his son again. I was already in trouble for drinking on a school trip at the time. I caved with all of the pressure, and on March 26, 2006 I attempted suicide by overdose. Luckily I was found by some friends and taken immediately to the hospital to have my stomach pumped.

After several days in the ICU I ended up in the psychiatric ward. I stayed in the psychiatric ward for two weeks, and was finally released on a number of medications. Once in therapy back home I discovered that in my stupor I had written a hit list out, which included my band director. I have no recollection to this day of writing that. The hit list on top of my drinking on the school trip ended up getting me expelled. I was allowed to finish my courses online and graduate. I never walked or went to my senior prom because of this.

I moved out of town the first chance I got. My father didn't want me to go. I was told I would never be allowed to move back in with them if I moved out. I took the risk and moved to Nicholasville, KY with a close family friend. After I finally received my diploma I moved to Bowling Green, KY to start classes early in the summer. I stayed on medication for a while, but it wasn't long until I felt like I didn't need to be taking it any longer. I was immediately caught up in the college lifestyle. I dropped classes, partied all the time, went clubbing in Nashville, and all together skipped classes. Needless to say I flunked out my first semester of college. My parents immediately cut me off and I was forced to move back to Nicholasville with my family friend. Before I knew it I found myself working for her at her accounting firm and taking night classes at a small business college in nearby Lexington. Things seemed to be stabilizing in my life. I soon grew restless of living in my bosses basement. It was around this time that I met S. We met on the internet and fell for eachother very quickly. He was in a bad roommate situation, and we ended up moving in together after dating only three month. This is where my adult life began. It wasn't long before my unmedicated disorder reared its ugly head and the cycle of dramatic highs and lows took hold. This lasted for the next seven years.

I am medicated now, but medication with bipolar disorder is always trial and error. I still deal with suicidal thoughts, and have spells of mania. I am in therapy regularly. I want to lead a normal life though I know that is relatively impossible. This is the story of my struggles and triumphs.
I want to write all of this down in a public forum so at least someone would know my story in its entirety. I know that I may not change anyones life with this blog. I may never have any followers, but it's here if anyone wants to know.